Parody of the Final Battle
by wellwouldntyouliketoknow
Summary: 1-shot. I needed a break from the darkness of my first fic, and thus, this story was born. A parody of the last battle between Voldemort and Harry. DG


**Disclaimer:** As has been said before, I own nothing but the plot. 

**Summary:** 1-shot. I needed a break from the darkness of my first fic, so this story was born. A parody/funnier view of the last battle. DG

"Ginny, come on, we have to get you out of here." Draco said, running and pulling her along the darkened castle hallways of Nott Castle. "If I know Deatheaters, and I do, they're not going to sit tight and watch us run away."

            "Well, you never know," Ginny gasped, clutching her bleeding side and broken ribs. "They might be overcome with sadness because their favorite quidditch teams lost."

            "Ginny." Draco dashed across the hallways, narrowly missing the traps that burst into flame. "Not the time for jokes here. Run now, talk later."

            "Well, I don't know. I kind of like talking." Ginny wheezed, running to catch up with him. "But I'll run."

            Suddenly, as Draco led her cautiously across the dangerous pitfalls that riddled Nott Castle, they heard an evil cackle. "Now, now, my pets. Wherever are you going at this time of night?"

            Grimly, Draco turned, keeping Ginny safely behind him, despite her protests. "Voldemort. We were planning to escape and make you look like an idiot, but you're kind of in our way."

            "Oh yeah," Ginny muttered from behind him. "You get to mock the big bad evil leader who wants to take over the world, but I get to stand behind you like some damsel in distress. When I want to make fun of-"

            "Silence!" Voldemort yelled pompously. "I will not tolerate jokes."

            "Well, then, how do you live each day?" Ginny asked innocently. Voldemort and Draco glared at her. "What? You can make fun of him, but I can't? Double-standards, Draco, double-standards."

            "You know, she does have a point." A cloaked man stepped out from the shadows. "Double-standards are hell. Much like the place you'll be going to when we kill you."

            From all around them, cloaked people came into the light, revealing their faces as they pointed their wands at the now immobilized Deatheaters. "Why, Voldie, surprised to see me?"

            "Of course not." Voldemort replied, eyeing Harry Potter cautiously. "I just had Botox injections. I look perpetually surprised. The price we pay for beauty."

            Harry Potter laughed, a genuine laugh. "Voldemort, if that's what you call beauty, then you haven't paid enough." The aurors around him laughed nervously, keeping a watchful eye over their prisoners.

            "Why you-" Voldemort spluttered. 

            "Beautiful, amazing, powerful, man?" Harry finished, winking at Ginny, causing Draco to snarl possessively and Ginny to elbow him.

            "Always knew your ego would get us into trouble one day, Potter." Draco called out, after making sure Ginny couldn't elbow him. "You were always in the spotlight; it made sense that one of these days you'd blind yourself with your ego."

            "Malfoy, shut it. Voldemort, any last words?" Harry asked mildly.

            "Yes. I will take over the world!" Voldemort yelled frenetically. "I will beat you and I will prance about in hot pink tutus!"

            "Umm…I think Voldemort's gone and lost what little sense he had," Ginny whispered to Draco, safe in his arms as Draco laughed himself silly.

            "Well, obviously, if he thinks hot pink will go with that hair." Draco replied teasingly. "Honestly. Some men have no fashion taste."

            "I'm not even going to touch that one." Harry called across the cavernous room. "That's just too easy."

            "Can it, Potter." Draco called back. "Don't you have some destruction of evil hypocritical bastard leaders to do?"

            "I'm getting to it." Harry shifted his attention back to Voldemort, who had been inching towards the doorway. "Now, then Voldemort. Do you want the slow painful death, or the slow painful death?"

            "I'll take…" Before he finished his answer, he lunged for the door. "No death, hahahahaha!"

            "What an idiot." Harry said, shaking his head. "That's a door painted in the wall. We're in a bloody modern art museum!"

            "Nooo….." Voldemort was crying, pounding on the door-wall as he whined. "My power, my life, my Binky!"

            "Binky?" Ginny whispered to Draco. "What the hell is that? His teddy bear?"

            "Unfortunately," Draco replied, burying his face in her long auburn hair. "Yes."

            "That's cheerful. The man who almost took over the world and wiped out massive populations has to sleep with a teddy bear and wants to frolic around in hot pink tutus." Ginny sighed. "Why can't we ever get normal, run of the mill, I-just-want-to-take-over-the-world-with-wands-and-musclebound-soldier-men enemies?"

            "Because the gods have a twisted sense of humor." Draco replied, watching Voldemort now run around the room, tearing off his clothes, as Ginny yelped and covered her eyes. "Ew, really could've lived without seeing that pretty little picture."

            "All right, Voldemort. It's time." Harry said, bored with the running naked insane man. 

            "No, I'll pay you money. I'll give you my firstborn. I'll shave!" Voldemort yelled, jumping up and down. Harry and everyone else grimaced. 

            "As tempting as that sounds, no." Harry replied, shielding his eyes. Suddenly, he smiled. "Well, I do have a different punishment for you trying to take over the world."

            "What is it? I'll do it. I don't want to die without my Binky!" Voldemort yelled. 

            "I'm going to curse you so that from now on, you have all the powers of a Muggle," Harry began, clearly enjoying himself as Voldemort screamed in anguish. "And I'll curse you so that you cannot think a bad thought about anyone or think about taking over the world. You'll be a harmless round-the-clock department store Santa Claus." 

            Voldemort screamed again, a scream of anguish, agony, and deep revulsion. "Nooooooooooooooooo… I was powerful! I was Lord Voldemort! You cannot do this to me! I want BINKY!"

            "So, Ginny," Draco asked, conversationally. "I've been meaning to ask you…I love you more than anything in this world. Will you marry me?"

            Ginny turned around and looked him in his expressive eyes. "Yes, I'll marry you." 

            And they kissed as aurors chased a yelling madman around the room, as Deatheaters volunteered to be arrested (as long as they didn't have to show they knew the madman running around nude), and as Harry Potter grabbed a running auror, his wife, Blaise Zambini, and kissed her.


End file.
